You know you've matured when...

• Your hour-long lunch is spent at Target buying diapers
• You can fill your candy jar at work and it manages to stay at least half-full until the following day
• You've learned proper professional decorum and are not screaming "GoddamFUCK!" at the computer monitor (much like some people I work with)
• You find yourself on online gardening forums asking if the juniper berries you put in the turkey herb rub are poisonous (to PREVENT your Thanksgiving Day guests from experiencing hallucinations rather than PROVIDING them with the experience)
• You check the dollar bins for anything that could be considered an anything-but-tacky gift
• You find yourself looking up "long lost" friends that span more than one, two, or even THREE decades (!!)
• You call your child's daycare compulsively asking how his day is going and if he's gone "vampyr" on anyone yet
• You become distracted by any of the following: child-rearing websites, CNN.com, or direct mail marketing offering a 20% discount if you shop from 10 - 3 ONLY! on Thursday.
• You offer to host Thanksgiving